Q&A Shiur #1
Q1: Why is it not socially accepted to struggle if everyone does?
A1: There was a slightly autistic boy who looked regular to the outside world – but to those who knew him – he wasn’t. His parents needed to get him married, so went ahead with a Shidduch, without saying a word. The day after the Chasuna, the father felt a bit uneasy, and wanted to check how things are going. He quietly crept up a pipe on the side of the house and looked in through the chimney hole. A few minutes later, he carefully descended – only to bump into the Kallah’s father, doing exactly the same thing. He too, had gotten his autistic daughter married without anyone knowing!
The answer is: It's socially accepted to struggle - alone.
I can tell you one thing: Every single girl in this room has Nisyonos. But part of what gets you out of bed on a hard day is the pride that no one knows. That’s part of what keeps you going. That’s the good part of these ‘socially accepted norms.’
And you shouldn’t think that the picture you give to the outside world is fake – it's real. You are a person made of many parts. Some parts of you are your struggles; other parts of you aren’t. Recognise yourself as a whole person. Don’t think that you are your struggle. You are a growing girl; your struggles are only part of your journey.
Q2: If that’s the case, then why is a girl thrown out of school when a smartphone is found in her pocket?
A2: I spoke to the Hanhala of a Yeshivah recently about this. “Look”, I said to them. “If you find a boy with a smartphone, what will you do? You will throw him out. What message does that give him? It gives him the message that he is a bad boy, that he is a failure. Do you think he is then going to go home and overcome the Nisoyon? He will go out and buy another smartphone! Instead, say to him ‘You fell. It's okay to fall. If you are ready to grow from this, I am here for you. If not, we have a responsibility for the school. You have your Nisyonos, and I don’t disvalue you for them, but the person sitting next to you is not meant to have the Nisoyon of a smartphone. So, unless you are ready to do everything you can to overcome this now, it won’t work for you to be here.”
I am not ready to work with people who think that a child is not allowed to struggle. You are allowed to struggle – as long as you realise that you grow through your struggles if you view them right.
In answer to your question: Sometimes a pupil is thrown out because the school don’t know what to do. Other times, the school is worried for the other pupils. And still other times, the pupil is so chutzpadik and unworkable when asked about it, that it seems like there is no one to work with.
Q3: If Nisyonos are there to make a person grow, why do people so often feel like it's too much for them? Why do they feel like it's so hard?
A3: When I was a young boy, I remember seeing two war survivors in Shul. They would sit together and discuss the war, sometimes with tears in their eyes. One Shiva Asar Betamuz, one turned to the other “Do you remember the story of Tisha Baav and the sweets?” “Sure! It was with Baruch, Avrumi, Shloimele…” Whilst they were reminiscing, another man approached them, “Can you tell us the story?”
The man related how the trains came to the camps with new Jews every day. They stood in a long line, and were pointed to the right or the left. One Tisha Baav morning, a train arrived. They were watching these poor Yidden come in, and how the ones who were sent to life were brought to the barracks.
Suddenly, three Germans walked into the barracks with a big bag of sweets. They turned to one of the young boys who had just arrived, and offered him a sweet. He accepted. But as he opened his mouth, another Nazi standing at the door aimed right in and shot a bullet, killing him. The Nazis went from barrack to barrack doing this.
These two men went through the names of the boys they saw being killed, choked with emotion. How the boys opened their mouths for a sweet, and swallowed a bullet.
Let’s flip this story around and relate it to struggles.
Every time we struggle, we think we are swallowing a bullet. However, Someone very far away is actually putting a sweet into our mouths. The struggle you are facing is a sign that you’re going to get a sweet. You think it's so painful, you feel it being so hard, but what will enter your mouth in the end is a sweet.
Why does it have to feel like we are swallowing a bullet? So that Hashem can give us Schar. If it would be easy, there would be no Schar.
Imagine a computer game where the top level would simply open effortlessly. No obstacles, no ditches. How would the game feel? Boring. Purposeless.
The purpose to your life is overcoming struggles. Success isn’t winning the lottery. It's working hard to make money. Most lottery winners don’t even end up surviving the year.
It's part of Hashem demonstrating your strength to you – by making it hard, and then showing you that you can overcome it.
Q4: But it seems like some people have much harder Nisyonos than others?
A4: On a flight back from America right after I went to my Rebbe for Yom Kippur, I met two boys who were born into totally non-frum families. One of them, who was 19, worked in a band.
He turned to me and said “Why can’t I rap at night?” I looked at him, completely confused. He went on “My Rabbi said I can’t rap at night…” I didn’t know what he was talking about until he went on and demonstrated wrapping Tefillin with his hands: “My Chabad Rabbi wraps Tefillin on me every Monday morning. One Monday, I woke up late and had to go straight to university. So, I went to put on Tefillin at night instead. But the Rabbi told me I can’t put on Tefillin at night! So – is Hashem only ‘available’ in the morning? Why can’t I wrap at night?”
We ended up having a long discussion about it, during which he asked me “I only put Tefillin on Monday, am I going to be punished for the rest of the days when I don’t put on Tefillin?”
My answer was based on the following: We are all on a journey that started at a different place. Someone like you and me will be punished if they only put on Tefillin on Monday: We were born Frum, our struggles are not putting on Tefillin – that’s a basic. We have other struggles, other places where we need to grow. But putting on Tefillin – that isn’t a struggle for us.
This particular boy’s point of struggle, and growth, is at a totally different place. Putting on Tefillin is not a given at all – so he will get rewarded for starting to put on Tefillin! He started with nothing, and now puts on Tefillin one day a week! He’s on his way up!
Everyone struggles – but everyone starts at a different place. You might start out closer to the top. So, what might be easy for you may be incredibly challenging for the person going through it. Everyone struggles on a different level. The same Nisoyon can hit two people very differently. The person who you think doesn’t have any struggles might be grappling with Nisyonos in ways you can never imagine.
Q5: Someone who does an Aveira is on a level that he wasn’t on before. If he watched something he shouldn’t have, it's now in his mind. So how can we say that he’s still a Tzaddik and pure? He has done something that has affected his Neshama!
A5: When I was 19, I went to R’ Yakov Meir Schechter, one of the Gedolim in Eretz Yisroel, and asked him if I could make a deal with him: I was guilty over some of things I had done. If I would promise never to do it again, could he promise me that I would not get punished for what I had already done? That would help me get out of my guilt and make a real commitment to stop.
He looked at me with a big smile and said “Why would you want that?” “Because I want to turn over a clean, new leaf so I can move forward, and I am finding it hard to move forward after the past.” I replied. He looked at me again and said “But why would you want that? Do you not realise that those moments in your life were the best that could have happened to you?” I looked at him - shocked. Had he heard what I had said? He continued “If you are going to do Teshuva from Ahava, then everything you have done turns into a Mitzvah. And if you do Teshuva from Yirah, then it will also be to your benefit – because it was this Aveira that put you on a U-turn to change things in your life! That is the biggest present Hashem could have given you!”
When you use the bad stuff you did in your youth as a stepping stone to move on, they become part of your journey upwards!
There is no excuse for doing what you want – that’s not growing. But the times you do fall, don’t get too dragged down – use it as a stepping stone to grow!
There is a Midrash in Megillas Esther: Haman was going to hang Mordechai on a tree. Hashem saw that, and knew that what would actually happen would be the opposite: Mordechai would hang Haman on a tree. So Hashem went to all the trees and said “Who wants the privilege of hanging Haman?” Each tree came forward with a reason it should be them. A fig tree said it should be him, because Klal Yisroel are compared to figs. A pomegranate tree said it should be him, because Klal Yisroel are compared to pomegranates. Many trees came forward, until the thorn bush spoke. “I am a thorn bush. I have nothing positive. Use me to hang the Rasha who has nothing positive. Use the thorn to hang up the thorn.” Hashem took him immediately and said “I am taking you, because you were prepared from Sheishes Yemei Bereishis for this purpose.”
There is a stark question here: If this tree was prepared from Sheishes Yemei Bereishis, why did Hashem go to each tree and ask them? Why didn’t Hashem go straight to the thorn bush?
Every single person has different ‘trees’ inside them. An Esrog tree which helps them do Mitzvos. A fig tree which helps them feel good.
And somewhere, deep down, they have a thorn tree. A tree which makes them do bad.
A person thinks: I will serve Hashem with my Esrog tree. I will do Mitzvos with my fig tree. I will serve you with every tree I have. But my thorn tree is going to stay quiet – I can’t serve You with that.
That’s not right. You can use your thorn tree – to kill the thorns. You can use the bad inside of you – to kill the bad.
The bad inside you isn’t there to make you do bad. It's there to make you kill the bad.
Hashem didn’t go to the thorn tree and ask it if it wanted to be used. That Bechirah was left up to the thorn tree itself – if it wouldn’t have come forward, another tree would have been used. It was up to the thorn tree.
But when the thorn tree chose to come forward, then it was told “For this you were created!”
You didn’t get the thorn tree inside you to fall. You got it to grow.
You don’t get Nisyonos to fall. You get Nisyonos to draw close to Hashem.
Q&A Shiur # 2
Q1: How can we say that a girl is the same after she sins? Aveiros change a person!
A2: On the Gemara that says ‘You can’t make yourself a Rasha before Hashem for even one hour’, the Ben Ish Chai asks: What does ‘an hour’ mean? Why does it say you shouldn’t be a Rasha before Hashem for even ‘Shaa Achas’, ‘one hour’?
The Rambam teaches us that between the sun and the world, there are Mazalos - ‘lucks’ or ‘stars’, which are constantly changing. (In the olden days, people used to serve the stars – Ovdei Kochavim, because they wanted to ‘manipulate’ the energy there.)
The Ben Ish Chai tells us why Hashem did this: Take a person who’s done an Aveira and impacted is connection with Hashem. An hour later, the Mazel between him and Shamayim has changed - and he has a totally new connection to Hashem. If all the Mazalos would be the same, he would remain a Rasha for all his days.
When the Mazel changes – his slate is clean. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to do Teshuva. But it does mean that his connection to Hashem pure – as if he has not sinned. Off course, his Neshama was affected with Pgam due to his Aveira, so let’s explain how this works.
When you sell a slave, you sell it according to it's worth. In Mesechas Eirchin, the Torah discusses clear guidelines of how much people are worth. There are different categories of value according to age. The question is asked: How do we categorise according to age, when one 50-year-old can be much stronger than another 50-year-old?
The Rishonim explain that from Hashems perspective, at any second, everyone’s value is the same - because from this moment on, they can do anything. The potential of future good inside them is endless. And everyone has the same potential to choose that good going forward. (Off course, there is a discussion about past choices, which can make it harder for a person to move on.)
When the hour changes, and with it the Mazel, it's as if you haven’t sinned. Your connection to Hashem is there. Your potential is there. And your Neshama is ready for anything.
Off course, there is Teshuva that you have to do. And you can never say that it's okay to do Aveiros because you could just do Teshuva for them afterwards. The Rambam says that one who sins with the plan to do Teshuva for it, his Teshuva doesn’t work.
The Gemara speaks about certain Aveiros for which there is no Teshuva. The R’ Tzadok Hakohen, in the Tzidkos HaTzadik says: There is no such a thing as an Aveira for which there is no Teshuva. So what does the Gemara mean?
It means that for some Aveiros, there is no Teshuva MiYirah. Teshuva MiYirah means that you ‘unpack’ each Aveira on its own, do Teshuva, and then ‘pack’ yourself back up, without the Aveira. Some Aveiros are too big for that – if you have fear, you should have feared it before.
But Teshuva MiAhava is always possible. There is no Aveira in the world that is unforgivable.
Let’s dig a little deeper into the words of R’ Tzadok Hakohen which explain Teshuva MiAhava:
The core of everything is Hashem. The Ratzon Hashem is everything.
When you do an Aveira, it's Hashem’s Ratzon that’s giving you the strength to do it. Your eyes don’t turn blind when you want to look at something you shouldn’t! Your feet don’t stop when you go somewhere you shouldn’t!
If you manage to tap into the Ratzon Hashem that was a part of your Aveira, the Aveira becomes a Mitzvah. The only way you can tap into that is by doing Teshuva MiAhava. By saying “I love Hashem so much, and He loves me so much, that even in the Aveira, I recognise Him.” That recognition within the Aveira now turns into a moment used positively – it turns into a Mitzvah!
Hashem is there in every second if your life. You just have to notice Him. You have to tap into the Ahava.
BUT: You can never say this before doing an Aveira. That doesn’t work. (To explain it according to R’ Tzadok Hakohen in very short: When you try go back to that moment when you sinned, and connect to Hashem in that moment, it's a certain bit of Avoda Zara – because you weren’t recognising Hashem in that moment. You were sinning with the thought of doing Teshuva.) Whether we understand it or not, it doesn’t work.
Let’s go back to the question: Is a person damaged by the Aveiros he has done? I don’t like the word ‘damaged’. A person is never damaged.
On Purim (when I was probably a bit drunk), one of my students asked me for a Bracha. “Whatever anyone tells you”, I told him, “You are not a bad boy.” I wanted him to internalise that there is nothing wrong with him. He is normal. He faces normal Nisyonos. “That’s not true” he said. He then continued on to tell me a whole complicated piece about why I thought he was a bad boy. For months this boy had been going around thinking that I thought he was a bad boy!
You have to change your mindset. You are not damaged. If you did an Aveira, you do Teshuva MiAhava and you carry on.
Q2: Even if you do Teshuva, there are aftereffects of the Aveira? If you saw something you shouldn’t have, it remains with you? You have those images in your mind. How can you delete them?
A2: Imagine a very sheltered boy who has never seen a screen in his life. He goes on holiday, turns on the TV, and opens up to a football match. That night, he lies in bed, feeling terrible. ‘Why did I do that?’ he thinks. He digs deep into his heart and does Teshuva. For the rest of his life, he has this guilty shadow around what he’s done.
The Yetzer Hara is clever. It constantly brings up guilt, creating a ‘black hole’ whenever you think about what you’ve seen. The images hold a guilt trap on you. Every time you want to do something good, the images pop into your head, reminding you that they are still there and not planning to leave that easily.
I spoke in a Yeshivah where there was a boy who was extremely attached to football. He was on his phone literally all day. He knew everything there was to know about football. His life was football.
After my speech, I got a call. It was him. We had a long conversation, and later met. We decided that specifically for him, the best way to let go was cold turkey.
For 4.5 months, he didn’t have anything to do with football. He was extremely strong. We touched base every day, and I sent him Chizuk and Shiurim to listen to.
After a while, I stopped getting phone calls from him. I thought that maybe he was doing better. But out of the blue, he called. Defeated, he admitted that he was back to square one. That he was back to being the same ‘bad boy.’
“One second” I said. “How long do you spend on football every day?” “Oh, I don’t know,” he answered back. “I know all the scores and everything.” “Okay,” I carried on, “Do you go into pubs to watch live news?” He was shocked. “No, no! I wouldn’t go into pubs now! I’m a good boy!” I asked him one last question. “Do you listen to the radio right before you go to bed?” Again, he answered in the negative. “So why do you think you are back to square one?!” I asked him. “Well,” he said, “I know all the scores and everything…”
He was feeling so guilty over his slip, that in his mind, he was brought right back to his original Aveira.
That’s a trap of the Yetzer Hara. A trap that the Yetzer Hara also uses in relation to images.
If you have done proper Teshuva for your Aveira, you will never fall back to where you were before. But the Yetzer Hara makes you think you haven’t moved past the Aveira you did. You could be three months after the Aveira. You could be three months clean from watching. But the Yetzer Hara will come and say ‘The image is still in your head. You may as well watch another one. You are anyways a bad girl’.
You have to know where you really stand. You did the Aveira. But you did Teshuva. You’ve moved on.
You may be facing another test now. Your Nisoyon is to say “I won’t watch this video. Yes, the images from the last thing I've watched are still circulating my mind. But I am past it. Nothing is going to happen because of an image in my head.”
Yes, it was wrong to watch that video. But you have done Teshuva. And the fact that the images have stuck to you – at this point that is not your choice. Carry on. The best thing to do when there are images that don’t leave you alone is to distract yourself. (Obviously, if it becomes obsessive, it's a different story.)
If every time an unwanted image pops into your mind, you get pulled into the cycle of “Uch, that was such a bad thing to do, these images are so bad…” the Yetzer Hara will take you back there. Back to the place where you fell. But you are not there anymore.
You are not a bad person because you have bad thoughts. You’re not acting on your bad thoughts; they are simply running through your mind. So just move on.
With time, the images will fade. It can take 3-6 months for them to dissipate. (Off course, when you are in a low moment, you might notice them popping back. But on a day-to-day basis, you should be free of them.)
Q3: Isn’t the purpose of guilt to make me do Teshuva?
This is a good question. We just said guilt is the trap of the Yetzer Hara. But, you can ask, without guilt, you will never do Teshuva?
I want to tell you the truth: With guilt you will never do Teshuva.
For example, let’s say that when you were 14, you were part of a chat group you shouldn’t have been. For a full year, you saw what you shouldn’t have. You did what you shouldn’t have.
You have two options:
You feel super guilty. You can’t move on. In a way, you remain there – in that low place.
You realise that through grappling with this Nisoyon, you grew. You feel Charatah – regret – as part of the Teshuva process. But you aren’t consumed by guilt.
Let’s explore the difference between regret and guilt:
Guilt: You did something really wrong. It's eating you up inside. You turn into a bad person because of it. The soundtrack plays in your mind – ‘I am a bad person.’
Regret: You did something really wrong. You now have something behind you that you need to fix before you get to Shamayim. You regret what you’ve done and do Teshuva.
You can regret what you’ve done and do Teshuva without feeling guilty!
If you’ve done Teshuva, the Aveira is not on you. Hashem took it. After Yom Kippur, we go home happy. Our Aveiros are gone. Teshuva brings light, not darkness.
We say ‘Vehoser Satan Milfaneinu Umeachareinu’ – ‘Remove the Satan from before us and from behind us.’ We ask Hashem to help up before we fall into Aveira, but also afterwards. Because sometimes, after we do the Aveira lies the biggest trap – the darkness of guilt.
The Sefarim tell us that very often, the Yetzer Hara isn’t only the Aveira itself. It's how you react after your fall. It's dealing with the endless cycle of guilt the Yetzer Hara tries to put on a person, which makes him sin again and again.
Don’t get locked in by the Yetzer Hara. Carry on life. Do Teshuva with Ahava.
But once we are saying ‘Do Teshuva MiAhava’, what does that actually mean on a simple level?
There was a boy that I got to know when he was only 12 years old. Even then, I could see that something was going downhill. I invited him and a few other boys over for Cholent, and it became a weekly thing. Eventually it dwindled to only him, and we created a beautiful connection.
He struggled mightily. He wasn’t doing well. For two years, I thought my job was to re-connect the father and the son. I tried many, many times. Nothing doing.
After a while, he went on his own path. I didn’t see him as often. A month or two passed, and I got a call from him, “Can I come over.”
He came over, sat in the hammock and spoke. Suddenly, he said “I want to speak to my father. I want to make it up again.” I was shocked. “What do you want from me?” I asked him. He knew exactly what he wanted. “I want a proper meeting. Can you set it up? If you arrange a time for in an hour, I will spend the time until then writing a letter to them and thinking about what I want to say.”
Of course, I agreed. But deep in my heart, I was sure he’d call a minute later to cancel. But he didn’t. I called the father, who was even more shocked than me. We both knew that he might not end up showing up. We also both knew that we still had to try our hardest.
We set up a place and time: 8:00 in a local office. The boy wanted me to be there, so I arrived with the parents. 8:00 came and went. We waited. 8:15 came and went. We waited still.
The room was thick with tension. No one spoke. Suddenly, my phone broke the silence. It was him, waiting downstairs, wanting to speak to me.
I went downstairs and there he was, leaning against a car. “I’m not ready to go upstairs yet.” I waited with him as time ticked on. Finally, he was ready. It was 9:00 by now. He started going up the stairs.
It was a very hard moment for me. I had invested an incredible amount into this boy, and right then, felt very emotional. I wanted to stay downstairs, but he refused.
We went upstairs and walked down the corridor. Suddenly, I stopped. It was too much for me. “I’ll stay right outside the room, if you need me, call my name.”
He went ahead himself; I was just outside. What happened next shook me to the core.
He went right up to his father, gave him a huge hug, and they both started crying. Loudly. He then went up to his mother, gave her a huge hug, and between sobs said “Sit down.” The father had not been spoken to in two years. All the mother had gotten was “Pick me up” or “Come fetch me.”
Now, they sat down opposite him. He pulled out his phone and started reading. “Dear Daddy, I want to say sorry for…” and he continued with listing out every wrong thing he had down in the past two years. With tears streaming down his face, the father kept saying “It's fine, you don’t need to keep on reading” but he just went on and on. Then he turned to his mother. “Mammy, I want you to know that every time you gave me a lift and I got angry, every time you sent me in a sushi platter and I sent you a video of me throwing it on the floor, every time…” He went through all the love his mother had shown him, and how he had reacted in anger.
I was there, and I can tell you one thing: There was Teshuva MiAhava going on in the room. There was so much Ahava – it was palpable. The father didn’t need to keep saying “It's fine, it's fine, you don’t need to keep going…” The Ahava in the room was enough to show that.
When he was writing this letter, this boy felt guilt. He felt regret. It was sincere Teshuva. But there was no Ahava yet.
Once he was in the room with his parents, that’s when the Ahava happened. The second he gave his parents a real hug, and he shed real tears with them, that was Teshuva MiAhava.
That’s what R’ Tzadok Hakohen says: Teshuva MiAhava is coming back to Hashem and saying “I want to be close with You! I want to come back!”
After this story, I felt tremendous connection to this boy. He had transformed. I expected him to call me all the time. But he didn’t call me once.
When he came to me on Purim, we were both a bit high. “You should know,” I told him, “That at first, I was very upset with you. I poured so much into you, and then, when you reached that better place, when you reconnected with your parents, I didn’t hear from you anymore. You were gone. But then I realised something: When you were struggling, I was there to replace your father. You didn’t have a father, so I stepped in. I was your support. Your listening ear. Your backbone. But now that you have a father – you don’t need me anymore! And that is the biggest compliment for me!”
We have so many distractions in our lives that are taking away from our connection with our Father. Music. Groups. Bad friends. Movies. Any pleasure that you’ve gotten wrongly is filling in for good pleasure you would have gotten.
Connection to Hashem, Yiras Shamayim and being an Ehrliche Yid is meant to give pleasure and meaning to every minute of your day. We aren’t on that level, and we feel that we need other fun in our lives or we’ll feel empty. But in reality, all our fulfilment can come from Kedusha.
Now let’s go back to Teshuva MiAhava. If we realise how much Hashem loves us, and how much we love Hashem – and we truly contemplate and are mindful of that moment – that is Teshuva MiAhava. That is like the boy reconnecting with his father. He was accepted into his father’s arms instantly.
You want to do Teshuva? You truly want to move on? You can do that through Teshuva MiAhava. Reconnecting to Hashem.
Yiddishkeit is not like Christianity where you give a priest £3000 and all your sins are gone. You have to mean it for real. You have to do Teshuva MiAhava. But once you do that, you have truly moved on.
Q4: Is it wrong to have opposing thoughts?
A4: Well, it's not wrong to have opposing thoughts, it's just human.
Take a girl who genuinely wants to do Teshuva. Although she truly wants to move up, she might simultaneously want to continue the fun she’s been having.
It's like a kid sucking a lolly on the way to the dentist. She knows she’s going to have a filling, but she can’t control herself from licking that lolly.
The fact that you want to do bad tells you one thing: Congratulations, you’re human. The fact that you want to do good tells you something else: You’re a Yid.
Do you have a split personality disorder? Do you lead a double life? No – you don’t have a double life, you have a Yiddishe life. Your Yetzer Tov is telling you to do Teshuva; your Yetzer Hara is telling you not to. You aren’t your Yetzer Hara or Yetzer Tov – but you have both of them in you.
You have to also realise a strong point: Your thoughts aren’t you. Off course, you have to try build boundaries. You have to try do what you can. Without going to deeply into it, I can tell you one thing: you aren’t your thoughts, and when you do have a bad thought, you should push it aside and it doesn’t become part of you.
(But here’s the funny thing: Really, the Yetzer Hara and Yetzer Tov are taking you to the same goal – towards Hashem. It's the Guf that translates the Yetzer Hara’s pull away from Hashem.)
It's completely normal to have opposing thoughts. It's part of having Nisyonos, and you will always have Nisyonos. But you can keep being Mechazek yourself to keep going.
Q5: What about someone who has influenced others to do bad?
A5: That is one of the things for which the Gemara says there is no Teshuva.
Imagine someone stuck in a ghetto in wartime, starving. One day, they find a few scraps of potatoes outside. They are ecstatic! Then they stumble upon a person lying on the ground – in their last breaths of starvation. If they know that they themselves won’t survive without these potatoes, they follow the rule of Chayecha Kodmin – a person’s own life comes first. They eat the potato.
In every generation, there is a different Nisoyon Hador. A different war. In some generations, it was Shemiras Shabbos. Even though some individuals nowadays might struggle with Shemiras Shabbos, it's not the Nisoyon Hador – it's not the generations war.
Our war is a lot in the technology and visual arena – what we see. What we are part of.
Say there was a girl who bought a smartphone into the dorms. She watched. Her friends watched. Some of them went and bought a smartphone.
Now she wants to do Teshuva. But four of her friends have phones. What does she do next?
Take a smaller example. A girl watched a movie over Bein Hazmanim. She loved it. She told all her friends about it, now they went and watched it. Now she wants to do Teshuva, but how can she when these four girls have that video in their minds?
Now, I say this with care, because it has to be understood. But in moments of war, of life and death, you come first.
You drop it. You do well. You carry on. When your friends see that, they will follow.
About someone who kills someone else, the Torah says ‘Megalgelim Chov Al Yedei Chayav.’ ‘That person was meant to die, and the killer was chosen to kill him.’ Off course he is still responsible, and the concept of Yediah and Bechirah is one that we will never fully understand. But that person was meant to die.
To start with, you have to worry about yourself. Once you are in a better place – a much better place – you might want to go up to those friends and say “I’m sorry about what I caused, I feel really guilty. Do you want to go on a journey together?”
You don’t have to go and snitch on them. That’s not fair – they’ll get into trouble. You can talk to them. You can try get them to see your new point of view. But the main thing is that you continue growing.
Q6: How does someone overcome a Nisoyon that feels way too hard? It looks like some people have it so easy, whilst others have it so hard?
A6: A Nisoyon is a temptation in your heart that needs to be filled. A void.
This very temptation itself is actually Hashem calling you. The fact that a Nisoyon continues on even while a person falls, shows that Hashem still wants them to come close to Him!
Hashem creates a person perfect, but with a little gap. A void. A Nisoyon. In that gap, He wants you to look for Him. To find Him in this world.
For one person the gap may be the need to show off. For another person, it might be the struggle to be happy for others. For yet another, it might be mighty temptations.
There are two ways to remove the gap:
To work on yourself, overcome and become a complete person.
To ‘take away the hole’. To give in to temptation. To give in to the bad Middos. In that case, the original hole is gone – but you now have a bigger one!
Somehow, when we’re are young, we’re not always ready for option one. A person says “I had a temptation – but I filled it, I gave in – so now it's gone!” But they are wrong! They are now left with an even bigger hole. Not to say that they are further away from Hashem, but the temptation is now even bigger. So, they go and fill that temptation to get rid of it. But it only grows…
There is a way to make the hole smaller. Not to make it disappear – that won’t happen in this world – we will always have Nisyonos. But by holding back from temptations, that hole will go smaller and smaller – and you will be filled with pleasure. Holding back from temptations by be hard, but it will ultimately make you feel the happiest.
Now let’s talk about the other question: That some people seem to have harder Nisyonos than others. Let’s understand this.
As I mentioned, on a flight back from America straight after Yom Kippur, I met two boys who were brought up totally non-frum. One of them worked in a band. We started talking, and he told me that there is a boy’s band and a girl’s band who meet up for a party once a year. He told me that he had a connection with one of the girls, which he broke off once he started becoming more Frum.
This year, the party had been scheduled to fall out on Yom Kippur. Now, it was his first Yom Kippur, and he was going to fast, no matter what. But the party would go on all night – so straight after Yom Kippur, he took a taxi to go join them.
He arrived at the party – he was sober, they were all drunk. Before going in, he stood there, looking at what was going on. ‘I just went through a whole Yom Kippur, fasting the whole day. I am in such a holy place inside myself’.
He went into the room, and this girl came up to him. Things started spiralling out of control, and the temptation that came over him was huge. ‘I’ve got to get out of here’ he thought to himself. He ran out of the room just in time, and here he was, a few hours later, flying somewhere or other.
He was bothered by what had happened “I was at the highest point of holiness in my life. I fasted for 24 hours. I gave up going to the party. I’ve done something for Hashem that I have never done before. And now Hashem gives me this Nisoyon? Why?”
I let his question sit for a minute before answering him. “It's the other way around”, I told him. “You could never have faced that Nisoyon without this Yom Kippur behind you. You could not have overcome it without being on this holy level!”
It was a colossal Nisoyon. But he had colossal Kochos to match. He had the strength of a first Yom Kippur behind him.
‘What does a Baal Teshuva mean?’ The Gemara asks. The answer is: ‘Same temptation, same situation, same scenario.’ A Baal Teshuva is someone who is faced with the exact same Nisoyon again – and overcomes.
This boy needed to be faced with this particular Nisoyon – and overcome it. But it was tremendously challenging. He wouldn’t have managed on Erev Yom Kippur. Only after his first Neila did he have the power to overcome. And he managed.
It might look like you have a greater Nisoyon than your friend. It might look like she has a greater Nisoyon than you. But really, the one who has the bigger Nisoyon has the bigger Kochos. So your point of struggle is the same! And this shows us that even a struggle that seems huge is possible to overcome – a huge struggle comes with huge Kochos! A person never gets a Nisoyon that he can’t overcome.
A little ‘hole’ is just as hard to get over as a big one. But had he fought the small one, he wouldn’t have had the big one. Now that he has the big hole, he should know that someone fighting a small hole is struggling just as hard.
Q7: But what about someone who has ‘cut their hole bigger’ and now wants to come back to Hashem?
A7: Sometimes a person feels very far gone, and they want to make their way back. It’s like if we imagine someone walking somewhere, and he went past where he was meant to stop. He’s missed it – but he wants to get back! There are two ways back. Either he can go the long way - walk and walk straight ahead. Being that the world is round, he will eventually reach it. But there’s a much quicker option - he can simply turn around. That will get him back much faster! (Dubno Maggid)
So too, sometimes a person is very far gone; he’s cut the hole inside him so many times. But: if he makes a decision to change, it might not take a day, but he’s on the path to success. All it takes is a real decision to change, to turn around. Because really, when you feel like you’ve gone so far away from Hashem, He is right behind you.
Three years ago, you might have felt like the most special girl ever. You davened Shacharis, Mincha and Maariv twice a day. But you fell. And now you feel so far away. But you desperately want to get back to that place. ‘It might take me 20 years’ you think, ‘but I will get back there.’ But at every step during that long, hard struggle, you will feel like a failure. You still haven’t reached it.
All that is if you do Teshuva MiYirah.
But you have another choice.
You can do Teshuva MiAhava. You can turn around, cry and ‘hug’ your Father. Then, you will get back to where you started.
A Nisoyon, and an Aveira, is not a physical thing. It's spiritual. And you have to believe that when you’ve done Teshuva MiAhava, it's actually gone!
I was once at the Kever of R’Meilich of Lizhensk with 15 boys. These boys had each done Aveiros. They all had stuff they’d done wrong. I sent out all the other staff that were there, and I sat with these boys for two hours, working upwards, and upwards and upwards. I have probably never felt on such a spiritual high with these boys. At the end of the two hours, we felt a tremendous clarity. It felt like we could never do an Aveira again. It was magic.
At that moment, a thought popped into my head: I am still going to struggle with my Yetzer Hara. People will still test my patience. I would still have to work on myself. How would I cope with that?
I turned to the boys around me, all on such a high. “You have to know, that when you are on such a spiritual high, that is the real you! You feel a tremendous connection to Hashem. It's a gift. But now you have to continue living! You can’t live your whole life on such a high. But know that it's there, and when you are in a moment of Nisoyon, tap into it.”
Teshuva MiAhava doesn’t mean you will turn into a Rebbetzin overnight. It means you will live your life – with more meaning and purpose and connection.
The Pasuk tells us about Teshuva ‘Ki Karov Eilecha Hadavar Meod, Beficha Ubilvavcha Laasoso’, Teshuva is easy. Just do it. It has to be real. But you can do it.
The Dubno Maggid gives us another Mashal: Imagine you are lowering a bucket into a well. you lower it and lower it and lower it – but don’t hit any water. Your patience runs out, and you give up. In that case, every drop of lowering went to waste. You didn’t get anything from it!
But if you would’ve kept going, lowering and lowering the bucket, until you hit water, then that water is very precious! It's worth a lot! You spent so much time in reaching it!
If you’ve found connection to Hashem in your very low moments, that connection is very powerful, meaningful and longer lasting. That is why a Nisoyon is so meaningful.
That’s one of the reasons that addiction is so powerful – because a person has connected to it in a very low moment. He’s created a void in himself that’s huge. He will have to get over that extreme low moment that started him on the drugs, before overcoming the addiction.
On the flip side, if you take a low moment to connect with Hashem, your connection to Hashem will be extremely powerful!
Q&A Shiur #3
Before we go into the Q&A, I want to share the following with you:
The Tzidkos Hatzadik says: ‘Just like we are all commanded to believe in Hashem, so too, every person has to believe in himself.’ The Tzidkos Hatzadik continues on with explaining: The reason you should believe in yourself is because Hashem believes in you. He created you for a purpose. At no moment in your life are you ‘useless’ to Hashem.
Emunah means believing in something, even if we can’t see it. So too, even if everyone around you sees you as a failure, and in certain ways, you are, you have to believe in yourself!
The most important thing a person has so have after Emunah in Hashem is Emunah in himself. You are here for a purpose – you can fulfil that purpose – and your life is not a mess because of what you might have done.
Q1: What happens if you did an Aveira, and did proper Teshuva, but a few weeks later, fall back into that Aveira again. What now?
A1: After Neila, everyone is sure they are never going to sin again. They are sure they will stay pure for the rest of their lives. Somehow, comes to Purim time, and…
Is it fake? Is it real?
We’ve done this every year on Yom Kippur. But somehow, we do fall.
Sometimes, you are doing something wrong on your computer, and you feel really guilty. Then and there, you promise yourself – never again. For the next month, you keep to your word. The month after that, you also do. But a few months later, you find yourself in the same situation.
Was the promise real?
First, on a simple level: The Satmar Rebbe tells us that if you never wash your clothes… you won’t have any friends. When you put your soiled clothes in the washing machine, you know they will get dirty again. So what’s the point of washing them?
Because if you don’t continue to clean it, the dirt will get deeper, more ingrained, and eventually, impossible to remove.
Whenever you do proper Teshuva – whether on Yom Kippur or any other time – you are going in the washing machine. You come out with a clean slate.
Second of all, whenever you do Teshuva, it's as if you’ve closed a link in the chain, and started a new one. You will never have a life without Nisyonos. Compare it to a computer game: When you do Teshuva, it's as if you’ve reached level 2. But there will be new Nisyonos in level 2!
Hashem gives Nisyonos to Tzadikim. Hashem gives Nisyonos to those He wants to draw close. So having Nisyonos after you did an Aveira is a good thing – Hashem wants you to come even closer.
You aren’t a fake. Your Teshuva was real. You said you won’t do it again – and you won’t – because you won’t do the same Aveira with the same intention as last time. You might fall. You might do something you don’t want to. But when you promised yourself that you won’t do it again, you were saying “I don’t want this.” And you don’t. Hashem gave you the Nisoyon again, and you fell. But your Teshuva was not in vain. You aren’t back at square one. No matter if you fell again, your Teshuva remains!
R' Tzadok Hakohen says: When you build a tall building, and at the end, you fall off, the building doesn’t come down with you! The building stays standing.
Life’s a journey with ups and downs. But the Teshuva you do, the connection you work on, that stays forever. The good you have done is yours forever.
It's a normal thing to fall. But you have to remember – you aren’t back at the same place you were. You are on a higher level, struggling with something else.
When you go swimming underwater, you come up every few minutes to breathe. Why do you come back up again if you keep going back under? Because if you want to survive underwater, you have to continue breathing! If you want to survive in this world, you have to continue doing Teshuva!
Everyone is a Baal Teshuva – if you aren’t one yet, become one! (The Kotzker.)
Q&A Shiur # 3
Q1: Why is it fair that some people are born into a frum family whilst others aren’t? They don’t have as many opportunities to do Mitzvos and have to make a massive life change to become Frum?
A1: It's interesting – usually this question is asked the other way around: ‘It's not fair, they are having more fun than me. They have so many more allowances which are okay for them on their level.’
We can’t see Hashem’s plan. Hashem told Moshe Rabbeinu “You can’t see the front of Me, only the back.” We have no idea of Hashems plan. We only see the meaning of things in hindsight.
We have no idea what Tikkun our Neshama is doing in this world. For one person, it may be returning to Hashem and coming back to Yiddishkeit. That’s what their Neshama needs.
Hashem put us in the exact place we belong to fulfil our Tikkun.
Imagine if you go into a shop selling 20 different types of Dubai chocolate. You only like one flavour – and that’s the one you are going to buy. But when you come in, all the bars are covered in the same foil, without labels! “I like the strawberry one” you tell the saleslady. “I’m sorry, I have no idea which one is which” she apologises. “You’ll have to taste each one until you find it.” You have to go through all the chocolates - (which you really don’t like, even though they are called Dubai chocolates) until finally, when you are up to chocolate 17, you hit strawberry.
A much, much easier option would just be for the shop to label the chocolates – so you can instantly get to the one you want!
Hashem could have put us all in the same world – same parents, same finances, same level. You would spend 50 years just finding out what your specific Tachlis is – and by then so much of your life would be gone!
Instead, Hashem put a ‘wrapper’ on you. Your specific circumstances. Your Nisyonos. The areas you have to work on.
You might have stronger temptations than your friends. You might face more peer pressure. But that’s exactly the Tachlis you personally need to fulfil!
Your ‘wrapper’ is the biggest gift to you. It's an insight to your mission!
Q2: Is it still considered true Teshuva if you feel bad for what you’ve watched or done, but sometimes have the desire to do it again, and sometimes fall again?
A2: Absolutely. In fact – it's not proper Teshuva if you don’t have another desire.
As we said last week: The Gemara asks what a Baal Teshuva means. The answer? ‘Same temptation, same situation, same scenario.’ A Baal Teshuva is someone who is faced with the exact same desire again – and overcomes.
It's not that once you do Teshuva, you wont ever have a Nisoyon again – pure Teshuva is only reached when you have another Nisoyon!
You are a human being – remember that. You will have Nisyonos. But you will overcome it and do Teshuva. Just keep going!
Q3: Is it the Ratzon Hashem for there to be such a thing as the Internet and smartphone? Why did Hashem give people the Chochma to make it?
A3: For about 5000 years, the world worked perfectly without electricity, cars or phones. Which is interesting, considering that the IQ of the people in the times of Shlomo Hamelech was obviously higher than the IQ of the inventor of the lightbulb.
Inventions are created with Daas sent down from Shamayim, at the time when the world needs it.
Internet could have come down 2000 years ago, but it wasn’t the right time.
Take a husband and wife who have just gotten married. On their first day together, they won’t be able to behave in a way a couple married for 20 years does. After 20 years, when the Shalom Bayis is strong and they are secure with each other, she can be in a bad mood and nothing will happen. Their marriage is strong. But if she behaves like that on Day One…
So too with a new friendship. When you are shmoozing with a girl you’ve met an hour ago, you aren’t going to pour out all of your troubles and deepest secrets. That comes with time. With investment in the friendship. With build-up of trust. When you do share more with her after a year or two, your trust in her is strong – you know she will be there for you. You know she won’t drop you.
There is a connection of love between Hashem and Klal Yisroel.
When Klal Yisroel said Naaseh V’Nishma, there was a tremendous strengthening of this love. It was an incredible moment. They chose to say yes to the Torah – without knowing what was inside!
We can ask a question on this: After the Maakos, Yetzias Mitzrayim, Krias Yam Suf, the spoils and riches… why would Klal Yisroel not have said yes to the Torah? If my father calls me and asks “Can you do me a favour” – I would say yes without knowing what he wants! I know he loves me and won’t ask something that I can’t do!
Let’s delve deeper into the greatness behind Naaseh V’Nishma.
One year, before Shavuos, I got a call from my father. “Can you do me a favour?” I said yes, and then asked what it was. “I want you to come for Yom Tov.” “Okay,” I said. “I’ll check with my wife.”
As I hung up, I realised something. I can’t say “Naaseh V’Nishma” to my father – because I am committed to my wife. I have to check with her first. My commitment to my father is incomplete.
At the time when Klal Yisroel said Naaseh V’Nishma, they had a Yetzer Hara. (We know that they had fallen in Mitzrayim.) But by saying Naaseh V’Nishma, they we proclaiming: We will never have to ‘check’ with our Taavos before saying yes to You. We are ready to take on any Nisoyon that will come, and choose Hashem over the Nisoyon. Even though we have a Yetzer Hara, our commitment to our Father is complete!
We were ready to say ‘yes’ to the Nisoyon of Shmad. To the Nisoyon of Shemiras Shabbos. To all the Nisyonos throughout the generations.
And we also said yes to the Nisoyon of technology. The hardest Nisoyon. The Nisoyon that takes place in private. Between us and Hashem.
This Nisoyon wasn’t given in the olden days. It was kept for now, for our generation. Right at the end. We have over 3000 years of love behind us. Instilled in us. Now we’re ready.
The question is not how Hashem allowed Internet into this world. Hashem wanted the Internet to come down to this world – but only now.
Now is the time we’re ready to fight the Nisoyon.
Yeshivas and schools call me: “How are they going to get through this Nisoyon. How?” But they do. They overcome it with Kochos the adults don’t always realise they have.
The Nisoyon of technology isn’t a tragedy for Klal Yisroel. It's the opposite – it's another opportunity for Klal Yisroel to come closer to Hashem. It's part of the plan.
Q4: Can someone who fell, but did Teshuva, ever be on the same level as someone who never fell?
A4: No – the one who did Teshuva will always be higher. ‘B’Makom Sh’Baalei Teshuva Omdim, Ein Tzadikim Gemurim Ycholim Laamod’ – ‘In a place where Baalei Teshuva stand, even complete Tzadikim can’t stand.’
‘It's not fair’, you might think. ‘The Baal Teshuva did the Aveira, how come he is higher than the Tzadik who didn’t?’
The Pri Megadim explains: The Baal Teshuva has a harder time – he struggles harder.
Take a Baal Teshuva who used to eat in McDonalds. Every time he goes past one of the big, yellow ‘M’ signs, he struggles. Or take a Baal Teshuva who used to be addicted to gambling. Every time he goes past a casino, there’s an internal struggle in his heart.
I don’t struggle when I go past a McDonalds. I don’t struggle when I go past a casino.
He gets Schar for overcoming these constant Nisyonos – I won’t get that amount of Schar. It's not as hard for me.
But we have to remember the most important point – we can all become Baalei Teshuva in our own lives.
Q5: If you have a struggle, is it better to keep it to yourself or should you tell someone?
A5: This is a good question – and needs to be handled with care. Here are some points to consider:
When it comes to telling someone about something you’ve done wrong, trust is gold. You’ve done something bad, but you truly regret it. You want to be good. If that person is going to look at you as a bad person, you’ll feel put down.
It also depends on the reason you are sharing. If you are sharing with a friend just so you can show that you don’t care about what you’ve done, then it's wrong. But if you want to share with a friend to become better, it might be different – if you tread carefully.
It's not much use to share it with someone who is in the same mess as you – better share it with someone like your mother or older sister.
There’s a saying, ‘A secret is something that’s told to one person at a time.’ If you did something bad that you don’t want your friends knowing about – don’t say it to even one of them.
Bottom line is: Keeping it inside you is not going to help. It will make you think that you are a bad girl. It's much healthier to offload it onto someone else.
There’s nothing wrong with sharing what you’ve done wrong, as long as you are sharing it for the right reasons, with the right person.
Q6: Why do the good, frum girls never seem to struggle?
A6: This is a good question: You have a good, frum girl, a ‘goody goody’, who just always seems to play it safe and do what’s right. She might struggle, but it just doesn’t look like her struggles are hard. Her life looks perfect. Her Shidduch looks perfect. All the way until her perfect Levayah…
I've got news for you: There is no such thing.
You have no idea when she will be faced with a life Nisoyon. A person could have a ‘perfect life’ until 43, and then hit a real struggle.
If you are struggling now, you are learning life skills now. Your friend might be blissfully sailing through Sem without a care in the world, but she will be faced with Nisyonos at some point – or she wouldn’t be here.
We are here for a purpose – to achieve big things. And those big achievements often come through passing Nisyonos.
It's like when you walk out of a dentist, your mouth completely sore, and see the people sitting calmly in the waiting room, in no pain at all. You aren’t jealous of them – you know that they are also going to have their teeth treated. You know that later, they will emerge with their mouths sore.
If you’re feeling that you are facing more Nisyonos than everyone else, remember, that’s now. Soon, they’ll have Nisyonos. You aren’t the only one struggling.
We can’t all struggle at the same time. You need some ‘good’ girls around you for support!
I want to tell you something that can give you Chizuk: Those who struggle as teenagers have it easier later on in life. They have techniques to learn with difficulties. The teenage years are an amazing training ground for the future.
Q7: If I struggle and fall, it's fine, because I am going to find my way back?
A7: This is what we’ve spoken about: Sinning whilst planning to return.
Let’s look at this Mashal:
Imagine you go up to your mother one Friday afternoon and say “Mammy, I love you! I love you! Do you love me?” Your mother nods, and whilst you continue to tell her how much you love her, you take the boiling hot pt of cholent and pour it on her head.
You can’t tell Hashem “I love You! I will come back to You, I will do Teshuva” – whilst doing what you want.
You would never say “I’m fine pouring cholent on my mother’s head because we love each other anyways…”
(I don’t want to discuss what happens if someone did something they didn’t care about and then wants to do Teshuva – it's very hard to discuss this in a group.)
Q8: How can one do Teshuva when it feels hard to feel Hashem’s love? People find it hard to connect to Hashem when the love is not physical. It's hard to feel love.
A8: This is one of our struggles as a Yid – to love and do for Hashem, when the love is not physical.
Ahava – love, comes from the word ‘Hav’, to give. Love comes from giving, not from taking.
But here we have a problem – how can I give anything to Hashem? Hashem is in control of everything! Hashem runs the world – there is nothing that we have that wasn’t given to us by Hashem!
The answer is very simple: The Gemara tells us ‘Hakol B’Yedei Shamayim Chutz MiYiras Shamayim’ – everything is in the hands of Hashem, besides for one thing – our Yiras Shamayim.
As a human being, you can only give Hashem by doing one thing: Overcoming a Nisoyon.
Imagine you want to open a grocery store. You borrow £100,000 and invest in making this grocery the nicest one in the century. The lights are shiny and show welcoming messages. There are robots scooting around to help customers shop. You advertise wildly – everywhere possible.
Opening day arrives, and with it a huge queue waiting outside for the ribbon cutting ceremony. But you are nowhere to be found.
Your phone rings non-stop. Everyone’s waiting for you!
You pick up your phone reluctantly and explain your absence: “I am so sorry, I spent all the money I borrowed on the décor and programming of the shop – I didn’t have any left to buy food! The shelves are empty!”
You invested so much into the shop, but completely forgot about the only thing that was truly important.
In your life, you want to try control everything: What your friends think about you. What your parents think of you. How much you learn. How much you earn.
But when it comes to the only thing we can control, suddenly we can’t be bothered.
There is only one thing you can control in your life: Your Yiras Shamayim. Everything else is controlled by Hashem. Your Yiras Shamayim is the only thing that really matters.
We have to realise – the whole purpose of our life is to overcome Nisyonos. Everything else is in Hashem’s control.
There is only one thing in the world that we can give Hashem: Our Yiras Shamayim. And the more we ‘give’, the more we will love. The more we overcome, the more we will love Hashem.
Q9: Is it possible to forget what I've seen?
A9: As we discussed, you don’t want to forget all you’ve seen. Wherever you fell, you also had the potential for growth. Your Nisyonos were there for a reason. The ‘bad’ inside you is the purpose for your creation: So that you can overcome it and come closer to Hashem.
When the Yetzer Hara once again tests you through bringing the images back into your mind, you now have the opportunity to overcome the temptation. To say no. To do proper Teshuva by trying to overcome it!
You don’t want to get rid of your Nisyonos! They are the purpose of your life and the only thing you can ‘give’ Hashem.
I once did a Shabbos away with 13–14-year-old boys. I went to discuss what I would say with Rav Horowitz. My aim for the end of Shabbos was that each boy should be able to sincerely say “I thank You Hashem for my Yetzer Hara.” I wanted them to see that it's their Yetzer Hara which helps them grow. But Rav Horowitz told me that they are too young for this – this can only be appreciated by post-high school age. You have to be old enough, and mature enough, to thank Hashem for your Nisyonos.
Be head on with your Nisyonos. Face them. Do Teshuva and move on. Yes, you saw an image you shouldn’t have. But you’ve done Teshuva, so now move on!
You must realise that once you have done Teshuva, the images are not you. They will keep coming back for a few months, but just let them. They will eventually disappear.
Your friend next to you might not have those images in her head. It might seem easier for her. But you have more opportunities to grow! And she will have her time, her Nisyonos.
There is no magic or hypnosis that can take the images away. If you saw something, you will need to clear yourself from it. And be patient - it will happen.
Q10: Why are there so many more Nisyonos by night than by day?
A10: Very simple – Hashem created the world like that. The nights are harder.
And here comes the important part – if you know that by night you have it harder – use the daytime to plan! If you know that when 11 o’clock hits, the Nisyonos come rushing at you – plan. You can secure yourself by day to protect yourself by night! Build walls around yourself in strong times, so that in weak times, the enemy can’t attack.
Q11: What if I want to be something different to what my parents are, but I feel locked up? They won’t let it happen. It's eating me up inside - I feel like I can’t break free!
A11: This is a very typical teenage question. Just today I got this question from the other side – the mother’s perspective.
I once took a walk with two boys along a river. They were both super into bird-watching.
One of the boys brought with a list of hundreds of birds, with all the birds he had already seen ticked off. He knew exactly which birds he would see in this area, at this time of the year, and during this time of day. He’d narrowed it down to three birds, which they were both super excited to see. The mood on the drive there was high.
I was more than happy to go along with these boys, even though I am not at all into bird-watching. We were walking along the river, the two boys looking out for birds. I was enjoying myself, calm, in tune with nature, having a good time. On the other hand, the two boys were getting more and more anxious as time was ticking on. We soon had to be back, and they still had not seen any of the three birds! Their mood was becoming more and more sour; mine was becoming more and more calm.
They didn’t end up seeing any birds, and on the way back, the mood in the car was super glum – but inside, I was very happy! I had just spent an hour in nature, calm as anything.
I realised something very powerful: We had both had the same experience, had spent the same hour walking the same steps. Why were our feelings at the end so different? It was because our goal for the walk was different. My goal was to get some fresh air, to spend some time with these boys and give them some attention. Their goal was to sight those three birds.
With every step I took, I was fulfilling my goal. With every step they took, they were becoming more anxious – where are those birds? And they didn’t see any birds in the end!
If your ‘goal’ is to ‘break free’ and be different from your parents, or to go against what your parents say, then everything you do in life will make you frustrated – Uch, when am I just going to be able to do what I want!
But if your goal in life is to do what Hashem wants then everything you do in your day will being you satisfaction – you are fulfilling your goal!
With both of these attitudes, you could be doing the same thing: Being a ‘good’ girl and following the rules. But when you actively choose – this is my goal, I am actually do this because I want to, then you will have tremendous fulfilment from everything you do!
It's normal to feel restricted. You might think your parents are so Frum. Let’s explore this for a minute.
Next door the Cheder I went to was another Cheder – this one Lev Tahor/Neturi Karta/Anti-Ofsted. We were the ‘lighter’ ones. In our school, there was an official football pitch; in their school, not only could you not play football, you couldn’t mention football.
We would see the ‘cool’ boys from that school staring at us as we played football. They were desperate to play. Some would mask their jealousy by making fun of us; others would outright want to join.
But the cool boys in our school wanted more than just to play football – they wanted to follow football. They wanted to know the names of the teams. The scores. They wanted more.
There was another school down the road, where the families were more open. Football was part of their lives. They followed the scores. They knew the players. But they were Ehrliche families, they didn’t watch live matches. The cool boys in that school wanted more than what they already had – they wanted to watch live matches. Some went into pubs or watched in on their mother’s old smartphone. But they would never dream of going to a football match.
There was another school, even more open minded. (So open minded that the brain almost falls out.) Football was totally okay, so was going to the occasional match.
Let me ask you a question: From a 13-year-old boys’ perspective, what brings pleasure? What makes him feel ‘free?’ Is it playing football? Knowing the players names? Watching a live match? Going to an actual football match?
The answer is: It's always the next thing. The thing just beyond your boundaries.
If you are brought up in a home where you can’t mention football, you want to play football. If you are brought up in a home where you could play football, you want to watch football…
When you want to ‘break free’ from your parents, that is what you are doing. You want just a bit more than what they are giving you.
I once gave a Shiur to a group of more open girls. They were allowed to watch whatever type of movies they wanted. But all they wanted was to be allowed on social media. That was what they were desperate for.
The day before, I had given a Shiur in a very Frum girls school. They did not have much access to technology. They wanted something very small to make them happy – they didn’t need access to movies – all they wanted was 20 minutes a day at the computer.
What makes a girl happy? Again, we see this concept: Everyone wants to push the boundary that they are at. The girls who had access to all the movies in the world weren’t happy – they needed that bit more.
We have to realise – you will never be truly happy by going that one step further than what your parents allow. There is only one thing that will make you truly happy: Doing the right thing.
Remember: If you wake up in the morning wanting to do Hashem’s will, everything you do will make you happy. But if you wake up in the morning wanting to ‘watch birds’, when you don’t manage, everything you do will make you upset.
Like the Dubno Maggid says: Imagine you are walking along with someone, for miles and miles. Your feet feel like they are falling off… You turn to the person with whom you are walking “Where are we getting to?” He answers you “I am walking until where my eye can see…”
A person who walks until where his eyes can see will never stop walking! A person who always runs after Gashmius will never be satisfied! He will want more, and more, and more.
That bit more that you want, that bit more that your parents don’t allow you to have – it will never make you truly happy! It won’t happen!
It's probably easier to fly to space than to get a teenager to fully appreciate her parents. That’s the way the world works. But ‘breaking free’ will never help.
Here’s a powerful Mashal which puts things into their real perspective:
There’s a man who wants to make money quick. He decides that a bank robbery might be the way to go, so he reads every sensational book and magazine about bank robberies. But after a while he realises that in all the stories he’s read, the robber got caught.
But he still wants to do this, so he does his research, digging deep into bank robberies. He reads all the articles he can. He buys a book called Bank Robberies for Dummies. Finally, he comes across an article in which the bank robber wasn’t caught! ‘Perfect!’ he thinks. ‘This happened a while ago – I can totally do the same thing!’
He sets his plan into action: First, he researches to find a policeman that looks similar to him in size, build and colour. In the dead of the night, he goes to that policeman’s house, gags him and ties him to his bed. He then takes his ID, gun, uniform and car keys.
The next morning, dressed perfectly like a policeman, he steps into the bank. When he gets to the front of the line, he lifts a paper that says ‘Put £20,000 in the tray now. I have a gun.’ The bank teller looks him straight in the eye without flinching. She doesn’t budge. He pulls out another paper: ‘If I have to, I will use my gun.’ She doesn’t move. He takes out his gun so only she can see it, and in a flash, she does two things: Puts out £20,000 and presses the panic button.
The bank doors automatically lock, but he’s a policeman, so is unstoppable. He flashes his ID at the guard, who wrenches the door open. Outside, he sees police swarming around, and neatly slips into his car. After all, he’s a policeman too.
But there was something he didn’t realise.
To his extreme bad mazel, the person behind him in the queue was an off-duty policeman. He saw the entire story. He managed to get out of the bank after this fake policeman, and watches him speed off in his car, blue lights flashing.
He gets into his car and starts zooming after this police car. He’s trained to speed; the fake policeman isn’t. The chase is getting hot, and they find themselves on the motorway. They both pick up their speed, but there’s a difference: The undercover policeman is trained how to chase; the fake one isn’t.
The undercover cop suddenly overtakes the police car, which crashes into it. But the robber isn’t ready to surrender. “You are under arrest for speeding” he tells the undercover police man. But the undercover cop isn’t deterred. “Show me your ID” he says, fingering the handcuffs in the pocket of his plainclothes trousers. As soon as the robber comes close enough, he slaps one cuff onto his wrist, and the other onto his own. They are stuck to each other now.
He drags the robber to his car, throws the damaged briefcase onto the floor and begins driving to the nearest police station. As they are driving, the robber makes a plan – as soon as the arrive two the station, he’ll scream “I’ve got him! Come help me!” After all, they are handcuffed to each other – no one knows who’s who!
Meanwhile, the police are all on high alert: There is an escaped bank robber somewhere!
They get to the police station, where his plan works like a charm. The policemen all surround them, cheering him on. “You caught the robber! You got him!”
The real policeman stays silent through it all.
But then he hits a hitch that will cost him his freedom. “Open the handcuffs!” the policemen say to him. He looks right and left, and realises that he is completely stuck. He doesn’t have the keys to the handcuffs. And that’s when the real policeman opens his mouth and says “Let me tell you the real story.”
You can see a teenager who looks completely in control: They’re driving 180 miles with blue lights flashing. They are trying to ‘break free’ from their parents. They are having fun, doing what they want, and it all seems to be going super well.
But it's all superficial fun – because really, who ‘holds the keys?’
The ones who are Ehrlich and on the right path are the only ones who have the keys.
When a person has a Nisoyon, and faces pain, the closer he is to where his parents want him to be, the more he is able to unlock himself. You have the keys to your handcuffs when you do the right thing.
Freedom does not lie in ‘breaking free’. Real freedom lies in being able to control oneself. A person who is doing the right thing innately feels happy with themselves.
Q12: What can I do if my friend is struggling, especially in the area of technology, and I want to help her?
A12: This girl is doing what she’s doing from a place of pain.
Let’s say, for example, that you know someone who has Yenah Machla, Chas Veshalom.
If you aren’t all that close to them, you probably wouldn’t go over to them to speak about it. If you are a good friend, you would ask what you could do to help. You would initiate conversation.
So too with a friend who’s struggling. If you aren’t all that close to her, you don’t need to get involved. And if you are close to her, or she is influencing you, you have to tread very carefully.
The worst thing you can do is simply to tattle on her around Sem and make her into a ‘bad girl’. But what do you do? You need to be responsible! You want to help her, and you want to keep yourself safe!
In such a situation, if you give attention to your friend for what she is doing, you are really, really hurting her. She would never admit it to you – but deep down, she’s upset about where she is. She wishes she wouldn’t be there.
By you making her feel cool, you are actually making her pain worse. If you are a good friend, don’t give her that attention.
It might sound cringe, but the best is to be open and say “I really care about you. Obviously, what you are doing is out of pain. I want to stay your friend, so can we put some boundaries into place. I won’t see your phone. I won’t hear about it – so that I can remain your friend.”
If she says no, you don’t want to remain her friend. But if she says yes, you’ve protected yourself.
To keep safe, you also need to speak to a trusted adult – e.g. your parent. If she’s not influencing anyone else, it's her life, but you have to keep yourself safe by telling an adult.
This adult can then call up any member of staff that she knows will be unjudgmental. This is different to you just tattling this around – rumours and bad names grow quickly, especially in a Sem or school environment. It has to be handled right. It has to be dealt with, but in a discreet, healthy way.
When you first realise that your friend is doing something wrong, you should make yourself a deadline – e.g. in a week, a member of staff needs to know. You should build up a plan, with your parents, to help this girl, not harm her. Remember – she’s doing this out of pain.
Q13: Why does a member of staff need to be told?
A13: I can’t take responsibility for this girl not harming anyone else.
This girl might be in too much pain to give up her smartphone cold turkey. She needs to be dealt with right – she needs someone to care for her pain.
If you just tell every member of staff, this girl will instantly get a bad name, and will likely be thrown out, in order to protect everyone else.
But if you, or your parent, tell a member of staff who you know is unjudgmental, and will approach this in an unjudgmental way, that’s perfect: You’ve protected yourself and also helped this girl. It's not snitching; you actually care! To see if the member of staff will be unjudgmental, you can even ask them in a respectful way “There is a girl in Sem who has a phone, what would you do with her if I would tell you who it is?”
You have to be careful about the adult you choose to tell. When I help a boy who is struggling in Yeshivah, I tell the Yeshivah that they will have to trust me with this boy. If I go report everything this boy tells me back to the Yeshivah, he will lose trust in me – and it will be very hard for him to build that trust with someone else.
Be careful in whom you tell – that is super important. It has to be someone who will deal with it right. It can’t be someone who makes the girl into a ‘case’ – she might be numb and in pain, but she’s a person!
You can also go straight to this girl and say “I know you are in pain; can we go to someone to speak about this? It can be someone out of Sem…” Once she has a mentor helping her, you can back off. The mentor can make the decision whether or not to tell Sem.
Bottom line: If you know a girl is in pain and doing something wrong, an adult must know. But do it because you care for her.
Now I want to speak to someone else – to the girl who has a smartphone that no one else knows about: Find someone who you can trust, who won’t look down on you for having temptations. Because you aren’t a bad girl for having temptations. You have to repeat that to yourself until you believe it.
You got caught up in this Nisoyon for some reason or another. You fell. Maybe it was because you were too young to stand up to the temptation. Maybe a friend brought you in. The important thing to realise now is that there is a bright future ahead. And going on that path to that bright future doesn’t mean giving everything up. It means taking a safe, secure and supported journey.