BSS 1
Go eat lunch
Whenever I speak to an audience of larger than 10 people, I make one point clear: I can guarantee you that there is a large range of levels in the audience.
Some girls are still quite pure, without much access to the Internet. Others have fallen once or twice and think they’ve seen the worst. Others have actually seen things they really regret – or will one day regret. And still others are very deeply struggling day to day.
It's very hard to speak to such an audience. If I build up the deeply struggling girls, 90% of the audience will find it completely irrelevant. If I speak about the importance of the very pure girls staying that way, the struggling girls will feel super guilty – and think there is no way back.
So what can I do?
When the school bell rings for lunch, it doesn’t tell each girl ‘Now it's time for you to eat your sandwich’, ‘Now it's time for you to eat your salad’ etc. The bell says ‘Go eat lunch’, what each girl actually eats is what’s prepared for her.
I'm going to try to speak in that language – the language of ‘go eat lunch’. Everyone should take it on their level – what it means for them.
Double confirmation checks
We’ve all come across those checks confirming that we are human as we are online. It's a moment of self-doubt. ‘Click all the squares with traffic lights’. You try get it right but aren’t sure: Is that tiny, blurry traffic light counted? What about that square with just the corner of a traffic light?
We as Yidden have another ‘confirmation check’. It says ‘Am I Jewish?’ and asks you to click on all the red stop signs. If you are a human, you can identify traffic lights – but if you are a Yid, you can identify the stop button.
A Yid can stop.
Nisyonos – proof of your Jewishness
But it's not only through identifying a stop sign that you prove you are a Yid. The fact that you sit in front of a computer and have a Nisoyon – something wrong that is tempting you – that proves you are a Yid. If you are having a Nisoyon, that in itself means you are a Yid.
I spoke to a Sem in London when a girl questioned this. “So you are saying that there is no such thing as a Yid who doesn’t have Nisyonos?”
“That’s right” I answered her. “I have spoken to over 4000 teenagers and adults over the past few years, and no one has ever come over to me afterwards and said that they don’t struggle.”
Everyone has Nisyonos – it means you are a Yid.
So, we've established two things: You are human, and you are a Yid.
The unlikely Gorilla
There’s a Yid in America who’s barely making ends meet. He pays $30K in property tax - then comes tuition and Chasunas. He has a 9-5 job, but it simply isn’t enough. His wife is finding it very difficult to deal with. “You promised under the Chupa to support me!”
“I have a job” he tells his wife. “I work from 9-5, I can’t work more!” But his wife simply looks at him flatly and tells him not to come home until he has a job that brings in 50K a year.
He’s out of the house with no extra job. ‘I may as well have some fun in my spare time’, he thinks. So off he goes to the Zoo.
He’s strolling into the Zoo when a sign catches his eye: ‘Vacancies: We are looking to hire.’ Now, this is an interesting job, but he needs a job desperately, so off he goes to apply.
The interview is a little interesting. Besides the normal questions, they measure his height and weight and check his teeth.
But they offer him the job: 9-4 each day, for $300 a day. This is much more than his old job, and shorter hours! He’s taking it – whatever it entails!
What’s his job description? The Gorilla, one of the Zoo’s main attractions, has died. His job is to put on a Gorilla costume and act as a Gorilla to keep the visitors – and the money – coming in.
‘I’m wearing a mask anyway’, he thinks. ‘Who cares?’
The costume fits him perfectly. He learns how to climb and crouch. He eats countless bananas. This is fun!
One day turns into another, and he gets used to the job. Pretending to be a Gorilla, playing and climbing as people watch. He’s bringing home money, and his wife (who has no idea what his job is!) is happy.
Chol Hamoed Pesach, his son turns to him. “Tatty, you work every day besides Shabbos and Yom Tov. Can’t you take one day off?” He knows Chol Hamoed is one of the busiest days at the Zoo. This is not going to work. “I can’t take off work, but I can do something else for you. I have a friend who works in the Zoo, I can get you free tickets!”
He goes to the Zoo early that day, puts on his costume, and starts swinging and climbing. He’s a pro by now. By the time 9:00 rolls around, his kids have turned up. He ups his show, wanting to give his kids an extra fun view of the monkey. His kids are on a high! The monkey is being hilarious!
But he goes a bit too far. With an extra high flip, he finds himself flying over to the next cage - the lion’s cage.
He’s frozen in place. Should he take his mask off? But – his kids are watching! He’s terrified.
The lion doesn’t wait for him to decide. He’s advancing quickly.
Just before the lion attacks him, he shouts “I love you!” to his kids, and then “SHEMA YISROEL!”
He’s shocked out of his wits when he hears “Baruch Shem…” – from the lion’s mouth. The lion pulls of his mask to reveal his friend from Shul.
That day, two things happen. The gorilla gets fired; so does the lion.
99.9% success rate
Now, imagine I would ask you a question: Why are they getting fired? For 99.9% of the time, they were acting exactly like a gorilla and lion? They said a few words – come on! That’s not a reason to get fired?!
The answer is obvious: A gorilla can’t say Shema – ever. A lion can’t say Baruch Shem – ever.
You can be acting like a monkey for a year, never messing up. But if you say Shema Yisroel once – you aren’t a monkey.
Overcoming even one Nisoyon
You have one Nisoyon that you passed in your life? That not only proves you are a Yid, it proves you are a Tzadeikes. You could have messed up many times. Just like someone can act like a monkey for years. But just like one sentence proves that the monkey is a human, so too overcoming even once proves you are a Tzadeikes.
I am sure that you have been Omed BeNisoyon at least once in your life – whether in Shemiras Einayim, Technology, or Lashon Hara. That Omed BeNisoyon proves to you that you aren’t only a human being – you are way above.
The pot, the flax and the cow
We all have that little ‘but’ in our minds. ‘But I am not there yet.’ ‘But I fall sometimes’. ‘But, if only you would know what I have done…’
Let’s learn a Midrash to gain clarity:
R’ Yonason says: A pottery maker does not check on the bad pottery that he makes. Banging them won’t help – they will crumble. Which ones does he check? The nice ones. Even though he bangs on them many times, they survive and are strong. So too, Hashem doesn’t test the Reshaim; rather only the Tzadikim.
If you have ever had the privilege of having a ‘bang’ - a Nisoyon - you know you are a Tzadik.
But the Midrash doesn’t stop there, it continues with another Mashal:
So too, a craftsman who makes clothes from flax. When he sees its good quality, every time he smashes it, stamps on it or puts it through the press, it gets better. But when he sees it's crumbly, he doesn’t work on it. So too, Hashem doesn’t test the Reshaim; rather only the Tzadikim.
If Hashem gives you a Nisoyon, it means you are strong enough.
But the Midrash doesn’t finish there either, it goes on with another Mashal:
R’ Elozor says… a landowner has two cows. One is strong; the other is weak. On which one will he put the yoke? The strong one. He only brought him because he is strong! So too, Hashem doesn’t test the Reshaim; rather only the Tzadikim.
Why does the Midrash bring these three different Mashalim? Wouldn’t one enough?
There are three points to a Nisoyon:
The fact that you got a Nisoyon means you are strong enough. Hashem wouldn’t have given you a Nisoyon if you are ‘weak’. That means that the girl who has more temptations, and more access to stuff that gives her temptations, is potentially a bigger Tzadeikes.
But it doesn’t only prove you are a good girl – it makes you a better girl! Every time you beat the flax, it makes it stronger. Every time you go through a Nisoyon, it makes you stronger!
We are here for one purpose – to give Nachas Ruach to Hashem. Hashem built us, and created us, to serve Him. The purpose of a Nisoyon is an opportunity to come close to Him.
With every Nisoyon, Hashem chooses a Tzadik, to make him better, so that he can fulfil his purpose better!
When you see a message coming into the chat that shouldn’t be there, and you don’t reply, or don’t click on the link, not only are you becoming a better person, you are fulfilling the purpose for which you are here!
No Nisyonos? Not okay!
The above Midrash can make us realise something very powerful: Not only is it okay to have Nisyonos, it's not okay not have Nisyonos!
If you don’t have Nisyonos, you are a weak pot. A crumbly piece of flax. A dying cow. And if you do have Nisyonos, you are a strong pot. Workable, soft flax. And a strong cow.
Colourful underworld
I was in a submarine recently - an extremely interesting experience.
The seats in the submarine were bright red, but halfway through, we heard through our headphones “Check the colour of your seats.” I looked down, and our seats were pitch black. I took out my credit card, which is bright green, and saw that it was yellow!
Apparently, each colour is made up of different colours, and the way the sun’s rays shine affects them. Because not all rays travel underwater, certain colours don’t come through. Of all the ‘ingredients’ that make red, only some came up underwater, so the seats appeared black.
Was the seat red or black? If someone would have asked me in the water, I would be lying if I said red. If someone would have asked me out of the water, I would be lying if I said black!
‘Rays’ of Daas
By default, we are all dummies. Hashem is constantly giving us Daas – as we say in Atah Chonen. But we have to realise, just as there are some colours that don’t exist underwater, there is some Daas that doesn’t come into the earth’s atmosphere.
There are certain things we can’t understand down here. Up there it's ‘red’; down here it's ‘black’.
And we have to realise something very important: Yidden have more ‘rays’ of Daas than Goyim. Something that is ‘yellow’ to a Goy, can be ‘green’ to a Yid. He might have worked it out based on science and maths and facts – but there is less understanding available to him! He’ll tell you it's ‘yellow’ – and he is right! But you know that it's green. You have more Dass available.
There is Daas a goy will never have – however hard he tries.
Not just human
You aren’t simply a human being. You are a Yid. You get more Daas, have more dimension. And part of that dimension is Nisyonos.
Why do Goyim not go ‘off’? Why when a Goy is traumatised, or abused, you don’t see him reacting like a Yid does. Why?
It's because they don’t have Nisyonos. They just don’t have this extra Daas.
For years and years, I've been wanting to ask a Goy a simple question (and I have actually asked it to some Goyim): What are you living for? What? One day you are going to die. So, what’s the point? But Goyim don’t think about this question. They simply don’t have the Daas, or Nisyonos, that a Yid does.
We can’t live without purpose. A girl who is doing the wrong thing will feel emptier and emptier. A goy won’t feel that.
We are more beloved by Hashem, we are higher – and that is why we are given Nisyonos.
Our attitude should not be ‘It's okay to struggle’ as you see on all these Goyshe ads. Our attitude should be ‘It's not okay not to struggle!’ If you aren’t struggling at all, that’s when you need to go see a doctor!
You need a doctor
A bachur went to a Gadol and asked “My relative is getting married and it's going to be a mixed affair. Am I allowed to miss Yeshivah to go?” The Gadol said “It's a mixed affair? How can you go?” The Bachur shrugged. “I’m okay. B’’H I don’t have these Nisyonos.” “Okay,” said the Gadol. “I am giving you a sealed envelope with a number in. Only open this when you get home from the Chasuna.”
The boy went to the Chasuna. When he got home, he opened the envelope – and found a number for the local doctor’s office. He called the Rosh Yeshivah, completely confused. “If you don’t have any Nisyonos,” said the Rosh Yeshivah, “you need a doctor…”
It's not okay not to struggle.
‘Leave me alone’
At this point, we can all breathe in and truthfully say “It's okay to struggle.”
But there is still something that holds us back in a very big way: Somehow, at the mention of the word technology, we’re all just thinking ‘Oh leave me alone. I know the dangers, I do what I do, and I want it to continue on that way.’
We don’t want to hear.
The inventor and the chase
Imagine yourself coming up with some great invention. You blueprint how much it’s going to cost you – and the total comes to a whopping £5 million. You approach your rich friend, “Do you have the money to lend me?” He does – but on one condition: He needs it back within a year. You sign the contract and get the money.
A month later, you’ve sat with the producer and explained your model. Two months later, you have a 3D model. Another month, and you have the production line running, producing your invention. Two months after that, a container full of your dream invention sits outside your house.
You’re six months into the contract.
Now its time to get on with the marketing. You’ve used £4 million so far. With the next million, you pay salespeople and marketers. Now you’re 10 months in, and make a calculation that when the year is over, you will have £3 million from revenue.
But when the year draws to a close, you only have £2 million to give your friend. You feel terrible. So you decide that you’ll take this £2 million, and reinvest it into your product, which will now be much cheaper to produce than the initial stages, and within another year, you will have the £5 million to pay back.
But - you said you will pay him in a year – so it’s getting a little sticky.
First you ignore him, biding your time. But one day, there’s a knock at the door. It’s him. You swiftly leave the house from the back door so he doesn’t spot you. He hears the door slam and quickly follows you down the street. You walk faster. He continues to follow you. You’re now on the main road, and jump onto a passing bus. Phew, you think, for today, I’ve have shaken him off.
To your bad Mazel, a dustbin lorry appears right in front of the bus, and you see your friend running to the next bus stop. Gulp. How are you going to get out of this one?
You put on your headphones and switch the sound onto the loudest. Next, you spot a 90-year-old lady in an aisle seat – perfect, no one will bother this old lady to reach you.
You arrive at the bus stop and you friend gets on. He tries to say hello, but he’s drowned out by your pounding music. He tries again. Then you hear a beep and mechanical voice ‘Battery low.’ Uh oh. Your headphones last for a few minutes before dying.
Now, silence fills the bus, as all the passengers turn to watch the scene. Even the granny next to you gets up and moves away, giving your friend the seat next to you.
You’re trapped. Your friend sits down and turns to you. “The year is up” You play dumb for a minute before he says:
“The loan. The year is up; you owe me the money. But. I believe in your product, I’ve bought one to try out. You can reinvest the money and pay me back over ten years.”
You’re ready to jump for joy! Here you were, running away from him, turning the music up, drowning him out, when all he wanted to tell you was that you have more time.
Turn off the music – open your ears!
When we hear the word technology, or see a speech advertised about technology, we automatically ‘put headphones on’, put the music up to blaring, and shut out all noise. ‘Leave me alone’ we think. ‘I’m not changing. I can’t give it all up, it's too much. So, I rather just not listen at all.’
When I am speaking to you about technology, you have to realise one thing: I did not come here to tell you that you have to fulfil your entire life’s Tachlis today. Hashem is not asking of you to give up everything in one go and become a Rebbetzin overnight. You need to be the girl that you are, with the Nisyonos that make you who you are, and you need to ‘pay back’ a small bit at a time. Every day, you’ll reach a bit higher.
You don’t have to become the ‘perfect girl’ today.
With that in mind, it's much easier. You don’t need to give up everything today. You don’t have to jump onto a bus and squeeze next to an old lay whilst turning the volume of your music to blasting. You can just sit and listen. And understand that you will do it slowly. That you won’t make a million in a day, but that you will make a thousand a day, and eventually build up to a million.
But if you don’t start today, you will never pay back. If you don’t make a thousand today; you will never make a million.
Don’t keep running away. Stop, reassess your life, and see that change is possible.
The diamonds and the eggs
Sometimes we underestimate the value of being Omed BeNisoyon – even only once.
Here’s another Mashal:
Take yourself back 400 years, and imagine a rich man on a train home from the annual market – obviously travelling first class. It must be a really expensive journey, because he is the only one who has afforded to pay first class. He’s bored stiff.
“That’s it”, he grumbles to himself. “I’m not sitting here alone for all these hours. I’m going to get some company”. Off he goes to the middle-class carriage, clutching his wallet.
He taps the first man he sees. “I am ready to pay for your first-class upgrade, plus a hundred Rubles, if you come sit next to me for company.” The man glares at him through narrowed eyes. “Do I look like I’m for sale?”
So he goes to the next person, and the next, and the next. But none of them accept his offer.
He’s done. He just wants some company – and he’s offering to pay!
He stomps his way down the train until he reaches third-class. There, he taps the first tramp he sees and offers him a first-class ticket, plus a hundred Rubles.
The tramp looks back at him as if he’s just sprouted a horn. What good luck! Before the rich man can change his mind, he grabs his sack of belongings and starts walking to first class.
The poor man cannot believe his good luck. Completely overwhelmed by all the luxury, he tries out the bd first – and promptly falls asleep.
Indignant, the rich man pokes him with his gold-tipped cane. “Hey! Wake up! I want to talk to you!” The tramp opens his eyes, and begrudgingly pulls himself out of bed.
Although they have nothing in common, they’ve got to talk, so the rich man starts with an innocent question. “I am here on business. Why are you travelling?” “I’m also here on business” says the poor man. The rich man quirks up an eyebrow. “Really? What’s your business?” The poor man leans back on his plush seat. “I have a chicken which lays an egg each morning. I sell an egg a day as long as the marketplace is open. Then, I sell the chicken and make more profit. After that, I go home and start saving up to buy a new chicken. And what do you do in business?”
The rich man smiles. “I deal in diamonds. All year, I work on collecting six or seven beautiful, quality diamonds. Then I come to the annual market, sell the diamonds, and start the process again for the next year.”
“How long does it take you to sell a diamond?” asks the poor man. The rich man strokes his moustache luxuriously. “Oh, it takes a day or two. I try offering it to many people before I find the right buyer.”
The tramp tips back his head in roaring laughter. “You call yourself a businessman? I have never failed to sell my eggs to the first person I offer them to! And you are turned down by so many people before you find a buyer for your diamond…!”
If you expect yourself to pass every single test, you think you are selling eggs. If you realise that every time you overcome, you have sold a diamond, you will value every single small step. It doesn’t matter if you only sell a diamond once a day – because it's a diamond! In this valuable business, there will be successes and there will be failures. But you will pick yourself up and succeed again, and that’s the main part.
If life is easy, and Nisyonos are super easy to overcome, then all you are selling is eggs. And your ‘profit’ will reflect just that. But when realise the value in every single Nisoyon you overcome, you won’t feel like a failure if you sometimes fall. You wont fall to the trap of ‘I’m a bad person anyway, I might as well just continue downwards…’
Value each small win – because it's a diamond.
But what about everyone else?
‘It's all very nice’, you might think ‘But my mother/teacher/Mechaneches doesn’t see it this way!’
The Mishnah is Avos says: ‘Know before Whom you will ultimately give Din V’Cheshbon… Hashem.’
It doesn’t say your teacher. Or mother-in-law. Or sibling. Hashem is the only One you need to give Din V’Cheshbon to.
Take a Bachur who grapples with an intense Nisoyon every time he walks past a smartphone shop. He walks past there on the way to Yeshivah on Sunday. Then on Monday. Then on Tuesday… For twelve days, he overcomes – without a single person knowing. On the thirteenth day, he can’t control himself. He walks in and buys a smartphone.
He comes to Yeshivah, gets caught, and is thrown out.
But in Shamayim, they know what really happened: The twelve times he overcame. The twelve times he walked past and didn’t buy it. Okay, he fell once – he’s only a human. But he will pick himself back up again and throw the smartphone out!
Even though he fell in the end, those twelve times he overcame will never get lost.
Even the ‘top girl’ struggles – because everyone struggles
There was a Bachur who I started helping five years ago. He struggled mightily through his high school years, and ended up completely off the Derech. This Bein Hazmanim, I was shocked to walk into a Shul and see him there, in his hat and jacket, davening. I called him over and asked him “Am I dreaming?” I wasn’t sure if it was the right boy! But it was, and we had a conversation in which we made up to meet.
We met the next day and had a long conversation about the journey of his past few years. I asked if he would want to learn together over Bein Hazmanim, and he agreed. We learnt solid over the next few days – and I was super impressed by his clarity and focus.
The last day of Pesach, he came over, quite obviously tired. We sat outside and had an open, candid conversation. At one point, I turned to him and asked the question that had been on my mind: “You were heading in a completely opposite direction, and you made such a quick U-turn. What caused this?”
He explained that he was sitting on his bed in his parent’s house one Friday night, eating takeout and playing Xbox. It was getting boring, and he turned off his game, feeling quite disgusting. He looked around the room, feeling really down and bored, until his eyes fell on his younger brother’s drawers. His younger brother was a great boy, in Yeshivah, the pride of the family.
He pulled out his brother’s diary and opened up to the first page. It read: Dear Hashem, I am struggling with Shemiras Eynayim, especially in the following four areas... It’s becoming too hard for me. I am going to take on to improve in four other areas of my life, and please, You give me Siyatta Dishamya to overcome this hard Nisayon.
This boy was shocked. He thought that the only reason his brother was in Yeshivah and doing so well was because he didn’t have Nisyonos. He now realised that his brother actually also struggles.
From that second on, he started keeping Shabbos.
This story was tremendously powerful to me. If you think you are the only one struggling with Nisyonos, you will just think that you are obviously bad, and will quickly give in to temptation. Don’t think that anyone doesn’t have struggles. Everyone struggles – even those who you think are doing super well. Don’t think you can’t do well because you are struggling. The Nisyonos you have make you normal.
Let’s sum up the backdrop against which we will build our journey:
It's a privilege and sign of greatness to have Nisyonos
You aren’t expected to become perfect overnight, rather just to begin your journey
There will be successes and there will be failures – because you are dealing with something of immense value.
The only One you will need to give Din V’Cheshbon to is Hashem, Who knows every single time you overcame, even when no on else does.
Every single person struggles – even those who you would never imagine.